Psalm 13

Those that are closest to me know what I'm about to share but for those that don't and a reading this for the first time, then welcome to my blog. I apologize in advance for my ramblings and musings. I believe in open vulnerability and sharing your story so although I won't share everything that my mind and heart have been wrestling with, I will share a piece of my heart with y'all. I warn you that this is a long post but I hope and pray that you take the time to read and enter into my journey.

Let me start by saying that the journey back to South Africa was not exactly the smoothest process. When I landed in Heathrow, London after my first 10-hour flight from Vancouver, I was tired and slight cranky (after one would be after getting little sleep). It was then, that I was informed that my connecting flight to Johannesburg, South Africa had been delayed to the following morning. Thankfully the airline put each passenger up in a nice hotel with dinner and breakfast vouchers. I didn’t sleep at all but I got to have a shower so I was a little bit less cranky and tired. As a result of the fight being delayed, I missed my bus from Johannesburg to Nelspruit and had to rebook that for the following day. Additionally I had to stay in a hotel another night because I arrived in South Africa to late to catch the bus. Eventually I finally got to my people in Nelspruit and was greeted warmly by my family there.

3 days later, my iPhone 5S fell into the toilet but thankfully I was able to find rice and soak it right away. It works wonderfully now. Finally on the following Sunday, I went to take some money out from an ATM, but can you guess what happened? The machine swallowed my card and I didn't get it back! However its not all bad because thanks to my wonderful dad I was able to cancel the card and have a replacement card ready to come with my parents when they come to South Africa. Additionally I have another card that I can use and I'm grateful - but no more ATMs. I’m not willing to risk another card being swallowed.

All in all the first week back was eventful. It wasn't how I planned to have things happen but God does work in mysterious ways. As a result of my flight being delayed overnight, I was given a substantial reimbursement for the inconvenience. Just days before I had been stressing about funds and about not having anything to fall back on when I got back to Canada but then God provided. It seems that whenever I get stressed about anything, God has a way of working out the situation even if I can’t seen it. The journey wasn't ideal but it did teach me how to handle these situations in the future and it made for some interesting and somewhat humorous stories.  

On a more serious and personal note, these last past 10 months being home from Africa have probably been some of the most challenging months of my entire life. All of my emotional and spiritual struggles that I had stuffed into a box and tried to suppress, all came out. These struggles have been something that have followed me around wherever I go and no matter how much I called out to God, I never felt like He was listening to me. I felt like I was talking to the air. I don't know if I've cried that much, as I wrestled with the enemy over my self-worth, my value, my beauty, my shame, my importance etc. The more that I sought out help from God and the people around me, the more I felt like the enemy was attacking me. I felt like this past year has been a battle to reclaim my life and freedom from the enemy. My life as a daughter of the most High King. 

When you return from any time of mission service in another country you face a brutal smack in the face upon your arrival home. It is not an easy journey and everyone struggles to readjust. It's a journey to come back and face your home culture and comprehend the fact that people back home may not want to hear about what Gods done in you and what you've seen. This journey was made even more difficult by the intense battle going on basically against myself. I was sad, angry, lonely and broken by the hurting ache that was in my heart. Throughout this time I've been angry with God and questioned His goodness and faithfulness in my life. Today, I still struggle but as I look back at everything that’s happened throughout my life and especially this past year, I can see His prescience even during the difficult seasons.

All that to say that this past year has been and is a journey. My time back in Africa has been such a blessing this far. It honestly felt like I was coming home to family. As soon as I drove up through the gate I knew that this was where God wanted me to be for this time. It feels like I never left but at the same time, things have changed and Hands at Work has grown. God has given me the opportunity to reconnect with family at the HUB and my family in the community. I am now an adopted auntie and I have a little adopted nephew!! He is beautiful and looks so much like his momma.

I feel challenged to invest more time reading Gods word and to seek more of His heart in all that I do. I have felt encouraged to spend more time during the day in prayer even if it means saying a simple short prayer while I'm in the office or out in community. Prayer is a way of worship that draws us closer to our Father. It allows us to connect with Him in an incredibly intimate way. Even when it feels like I'm talking to the air, I know and I have to trust that God is listening. I have to have faith that God has the best plan for me even though it's sometimes difficult to trust and believe that. Yet isn’t that the point because faith is believing without seeing and God never said that it would be easy. God wants us to give Him our whole hearts with everything that we have to give.

A cry to my Father – Psalm 13

xoxo